loficharm: (mister blackwood)
Martin Blackwood ([personal profile] loficharm) wrote2020-11-20 06:17 pm
Entry tags:

Beheld // for John

1st October, 2020

The ride home is quiet but edged with a lovely tension that has both of them sat quite close, angled toward each other as they alternate between exchanging shy smiles and ducking their glances elsewhere. Martin reaches out to curl his hand into John's, running his thumb gently over his knuckles, blushing faintly as if this sort of easy tenderness is in anyway novel. But it isn't novelty; it's eagerness. He wants far more than these little, chaste touches; he can't stop thinking about what he wants, how much and how badly. It's all he can do to contain himself.

The moment they're outside the car and moving quickly toward the building, that containment starts to crumble away. Martin lets slip a sheepish little giggle, equal parts amused at himself and excited almost to the point of nervousness, accompanied by a sort of fluttering in his stomach. Ridiculous. Like they're on a first date; like that was only their first kiss.

It had been a bloody good kiss, is the thing, and it carried intentional weight, meant to overwrite and re-imagine what was actually, technically, their 'first.' That weight was not simply imagined, nor did it vanish; they're both still carrying it and being carried by it, propelled along with a mutual, unspoken urgency. He only lets go of John's hand to fumble for his keys, hastening to let them inside, and the moment he does, the moment they're out of the brisk autumn air, he can't even make it to their flat. He pivots on his heel and presses close, pulling John in by the strap of his bag to kiss him again. The tape recorder still sits clipped on, perhaps even still running (Martin hasn't even thought to check since John switched it on in the maze), but they can deal with that shortly. Right now, it's bloody dashing, and Martin means to enjoy himself.
statement_ends: (soft)

[personal profile] statement_ends 2020-12-20 04:41 am (UTC)(link)
It occurs to him, after he's asked it, that the question is a bit vague. If Martin had asked for clarification, John isn't even entirely sure what he'd say. He's thinking mostly of Martin's continued state of undress; the myriad ways in which Martin has intentionally made himself vulnerable have never included this one, and he has gone to great lengths to ask for things that John would categorize as more fraught, subjectively speaking. Not that subjective measures are of any great use to either of them. The point is, if this was something Martin had ever actively wanted, John figures it would have come up before now.

And 'this' isn't terribly well defined, either. John's own wants are quite simple, but the implications unfurl in directions he can't always follow: an issue that has proved problematic often enough that even now, after all the work they've done and the care they've taken, he still second-guesses the wisdom of indulging his own impulses. He wants to touch Martin because Martin is soft and warm and exceedingly pleasant to touch; he wants to examine this newly uncovered territory because he's never seen it before; he wants to trace the constellations of Martin's freckles because he thinks they're beautiful. He also feels as if he's just been handed a musical instrument he's never seen before, and he doesn't want his well-intentioned exploration to strike any sour notes.

But then Martin sets his shirt aside and settles himself more comfortably, and it's that more than the verbal confirmation that releases the tension knotted in John's stomach. He hums in quiet pleasure, running his fingers back up to the nape of Martin's neck with a bit more confidence.

"They really are charming," he murmurs, playing connect-the-dots on Martin's left shoulder blade and tracing out a slightly wonky S, "though I suppose there's no easy way for you to appreciate them in the mirror." He leans forward, nuzzling fondly into the portion of Martin's hair that's still mussed from being clutched in his fist, and then planting a gentle kiss there. "Would you like me to describe them to you?" he asks, only half-facetious.
statement_ends: (sweetie)

[personal profile] statement_ends 2020-12-23 04:00 am (UTC)(link)
John's smile widens into a grin at Martin's agreement, and he leans back with a thoughtful hum. "Well..." he starts, studying Martin's back as he considers where to begin, letting his fingers trail idly over the gentle curves of him. Perhaps he'll start with the broad strokes, and then fill in the details. That seems as good an approach as any.

"They're all over, to start with," he says, and his tone could almost pass for academic if it weren't for the warmth that infuses it. "No particular areas of concentration. However, just here..." his arm stills, and his fingers trace the outline of a particularly evocative smattering of freckles tucked between Martin's spine and his right shoulder, "there's a little group of them that looks rather like a sailboat. It's almost uncanny."

His forefinger outlines the triangle that comprises the sail, and then he gently taps the topmost freckle. Usually, this is a courtesy that Martin shows him, a concession to the more nebulous nature of John's boundaries and preferences. But this feels like uncharted territory for both of them, and he wants to be careful. "May I?" he inquires softly.
statement_ends: (profile - soff)

[personal profile] statement_ends 2020-12-23 04:40 pm (UTC)(link)
The change in Martin's tone is subtle, but it's enough to make John hesitate for a beat, weighing the odds of this being too much against the unappealing prospect of undercutting Martin's stated agreement. He isn't entirely sure what would make it too much, is the thing. This feels, at heart, like a simple (albeit belated) role reversal: John is offering something that Martin has already given him on more than one occasion. Granted, John is acutely aware that offering something needn't indicate that you want that thing for yourself, but he also can't imagine why Martin wouldn't want — or deserve — to be similarly spoiled for affection.

And he did say 'yes.' Asked and answered.

Still, John proceeds with an abundance of care. He leans down to press a gentle, reverent kiss against Martin's skin, but resists the impulse to linger, or the urge to just wrap his arms around him and pull him close. Instead, he straightens, waiting to make sure Martin seems all right before tapping his finger against the other two points of the sail. He hadn't been entirely serious when he'd spoken of neglect, but he does like the idea of kissing as many of Martin's freckles as their collective preferences allow, and going by constellation seems like a good way to keep track of the ones he's covered.
statement_ends: (uh oh)

[personal profile] statement_ends 2020-12-24 09:02 pm (UTC)(link)
"Oh," John breathes in quiet dismay as Martin buries his own face in his hands. There was enough forewarning that it isn't a shock, but it's still not what John was going for. He frowns as Martin stumbles through some ostensible reassurances, not because he doesn't believe them, but because the clarity they provide is still a bit heartbreaking.

He'd broken down like this. It was their very first day together, the first time Martin had touched him with no other intent but to make him feel good — not just good, but safe. To give him something that wouldn't twist into something else he hadn't asked for. The parallels hadn't really occurred to him until just now, but he's starting to make out the shape of them: that if he were someone else, someone less cautious and more presumptuous, then this, too, might be the sort of thing Martin couldn't ask for without assuming more risk than he'd like. That whatever Martin wanted this to be, or mean, might just as easily be subsumed by whatever his partner had already decided.

It's awful, but it gives John a clearer road map than he might've had, otherwise. He knows that what he's doing isn't a problem, and he knows that needing time isn't the same as needing space. So he leans forward, more careful than uncertain, and drapes his arms around Martin's middle. His chest presses against Martin's back as he curls around him, as if to cover him like a blanket. "It's okay," he murmurs, brushing a kiss against Martin's temple. "I've got you."
statement_ends: (sweetie)

[personal profile] statement_ends 2021-01-02 09:31 pm (UTC)(link)
Martin turns to meet the embrace, tucking himself against John's chest as he has many times before, and John hums, soft and sympathetic. This might not be what he intended, but he knows how to cope with it — and he's getting better at not descending into a spiral of guilt over setting it off. He shifts a little to get more comfortable, then resettles himself, his thumb brushing gently against Martin's skin as he waits for him to recover himself.

He doesn't press for an explanation; Martin tends to offer them, unprompted, once he's settled down. But it does surprise him a little when all Martin ends up giving him is thanks and reassurance. Maybe that's a good sign: perhaps it means John didn't do anything that ought to be avoided going forward. It might not do anything for his curiosity, of course... but if Martin doesn't want to lead them down some miserable tangent, John isn't going to bloody drag him. His curiosity isn't worth that.

"You're sure?" he still asks, leaning back a little so he can see him properly. Martin's cheeks are still streaked with tears, and John lifts a hand so he can blot them dry with the cuff of his jumper. "I would hate to leave the boat unfinished," he adds, risking a wry little smile.
statement_ends: (profile - soff)

[personal profile] statement_ends 2021-01-03 11:48 pm (UTC)(link)
John's hesitation was more rooted in politeness than uncertainty, but even if it had been the latter, Martin would've dispelled it easily. There's no misinterpreting the deliberate way Martin places John's hands on him, or the simplicity of his whispered request. It makes his chest ache a little, the love and the trust it implies, and he swallows thickly before he starts to let his hands wander.

It's different to how he'd touched him before, the exceedingly gentle tracery of his fingertips replaced by the more decisive press of his entire hand. His earlier focus on Martin's freckles is set aside in favor of a broader scope, his eyes and hands taking in the soft curves of him. He strokes one palm down the shallow valley of Martin's spine, then around his ribs until it mirrors his other hand, both resting on Martin's belly. Part of him is tempted to just pull himself close, to drape himself back around Martin and nuzzle into his neck, but that can wait. Instead, he curls his fingers, letting them brush fondly over Martin's skin.

This is the first time he's touched Martin's belly directly. He hasn't given it his extended, single-minded focus since the first time, and the briefer touches he's indulged in since then have always been above Martin's clothes, not underneath. Now, his long fingers fit themselves against Martin's familiar curves with nothing to mute the warmth or mask the softness of them, and he hums in quiet pleasure, leaning in just enough to press a kiss to Martin's hair, a little behind his ear.